Mysterious Green Comet Nearing Earth: Refuses to communicate with NASA, Intent unknown!

Esse veridis non est facile

In the bland underspeak of NASA, Donald Yeomans, manager of NASA’s NEAR EARTH OBJECT program and NASA astronomer Stephen Edberg announced the latest THREAT TO LIFE AS WE KNOW IT.

The comet Lulin, recently discovered by a CHI-COM teenager (the same teens perhaps who participated in the Olympics), is plunging will-he nil-he towards the earth. The comet came from the edges of our solar system, eighteen billion miles from us, and no one professes to know what it wants. Attempts to establish communication with the comet have been abysmal failures.

The comet still retains the gases usually stripped by approach to the sun. This virginal comet is greenish in appearance due to the type of carbon contained in its vapors and CYANOGEN, A DEADLY POISONOUS GAS.

NASA admits that the comet could come even closer than the 38 million miles from earth projected. The comet is coming on Monday, February 23 and will close with Earth at 10:43 p.m. EST. Edberg stated “…it’s not going to be a real great blast ….” That alone should tell us the doomfulness inherent in this event. This from the same people who underplayed the cataclysm of Apollo 13 with “Houston, we have a problem”.

For those of you who may survive the event, rest assured that we in the Doombunker will continue to broadcast from the safety of the bunker as the Earth is coated with cyanogen. The horror… Good night and good luck.

War of the Worlds – Redux

Mars ructat, Terra tremit

Doombrothers has learned from secret NASA files that Mars has had a methane belch!!!! Not only is this unseemly, it is alarming. We at Doombrothers have previously warned of the perils of methane (See Doombrothers post: Nov 22, 2008 “Blame Canada”).

Since it is well known that on earth methane comes from such things as cows and Boy Scout campouts, it is clear to us that this means the methane must be coming from LIFE ON MARS! Now the NASA scientists, retreating from facing the inevitable, are trying to trot out a theory that the gas could have come from molten rock or even from comets or asteroids striking Mars. It seems equally likely to us that the Iranians, having mastered launching satellites in preparation for peace, have been offloading their spare dead bodies into the Martian interior.

But we at Doombrothers are unafraid of facing the truth head on and using Occam’s Razor even though we occasionally get nicked by it. What this intelligence really means is that the methane must be coming from organic materials - things such as pork rinds, tofu and your Aunt Mary. Let’s face it; what happened is enough to show us beyond a shadow of a doubt that there are MARTIANS just under the surface of the planet. And, if there are Martians, then QED, they can only have malign intent. We believe it no coincidence that we have a wealth of literature carefully documenting the machinations of the Martians.

Doombrothers has our crack research team working three shifts to develop a dual purpose aerosol spray (a pump of course, and totally environmentally friendly) with one end containing happy smells (to combat the methane) and on the other containing rhinovirus to deal with the invading Martian swine. You should check back at our Doomstore in the near future to order your supply. Remember our motto: being prepared for anything is everything.