Schroedinger's Cat Bites

Fele, veni feles


We at Doombrothers have recently been assaulted by Shroedinger’s cat. While motoring from the bunker to get supplies we came across the traffic sign seen above.

As shown, the sign insists that we choose one of only two options. In this instance we had to either choose to go left or to go right. This forced choice is exactly the same type of conundrum that has bedeviled theologians and physicists for many years. Let us elaborate.

In 1843 Soren Kierkegaard, Danish philosopher, theologian and well known depressive, purposed in Either/Or that one could choose between a hedonistic life of sybaritic pleasure, irresponsibility and fun OR a dull, long and plodding life filled with duty, ethics and responsibility. You would not know what the correct choice until is after death. Mr. Kierkegaard, in a typical display of what passes for Scandinavian humor has not yet given up the correct answer.

In 1935 Ervin Schroedinger, the Austrian physicist, torturer of cats and well know bad-boy proposed a thought experiment in which a cat is to be locked into a box with a tiny amount of radioactive material and a small flask of hydrochloric acid. If an atom decayed in the course of an hour a Geiger-counter would be activated which in turn would shatter the container of hydrochloric acid killing the cat, OR, none of the material would decay and the cat would be alive. In keeping with his humor, this twisted-sister also said that we could not know if the cat was dead or alive until we opened the box.

When we at Doombrothers saw the sign, we knew that we were being forced into a realm of doomfulness in which there was a fifty-percent chance of failure, gloom and potential disaster no matter which way we went.

We do not presume to tell you what is correct for you; you have to choose yourself, left or right? We can only tell you what we did to solve the dilemma. We turned the doommobile around and chose another route less fraught with potential failure and which gave us many more choices. Our advice to you is to watch out for true/false questions, moral bipartite dilemmas, forced choices and Schroedinger’s cat - they all bite.

SANTA IS WATCHING!

Ille venit

DOOMbrothers has recently uncovered documents revealing that we are being surveilled. It is not just the surveillance of the 12,007,083 spy satellites aimed at us by the Rooskies, the Europeans, the Japanese and our own government. It is not just the prying eyes of Google. No, DOOMbrothers has found that we are being spied upon from a reputedly innocuous and benevolent figure. We are being spied upon by Santa!

Yes, recently obtained documents, have been found to include this tell and chilling phrase: “He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake”. Clearly, we are not simply dealing with your Google taking embarrassing pictures of us sunbathing in our back yard or relieving ourselves in the woods. No, these documents reveal that the dwarves have perfected technology to allow them to view us through the very walls of our homes! Assuredly, even viewing us in the privacy or our bedrooms and bathrooms.

Even more fiendishly, these secret documents reveal that Santa “knows when you’ve been bad or good”. Clearly these fiends have found a way of putting an electronic tag in our ears and are tracking us wherever we go! But even much worse than this is that we at DOOMbrothers have reason to believe that Santa is a white, European male! And, we wonder, how can we allow this being to impose his Euro-centric, outdated and right-wing religious views of morality upon us!

The final and perhaps most doomful detail of this sordid mess is that DOOMbrothers is fairly sure that Santa Claus is in reality, that most chilling of all beings, a CLOWN!

While we are not yet ready open our protective Beta test methodologies to the public, we can give you two words: aluminum foil.

Flux Transfer Events Threaten Life as We Know It

Scientists have recently revealed that giant rolling pins are moving over the Earth’s magnetosphere. Not only that, but these doomful devices are actually rolling over the NORTH POLE in December and, apparently, every December!

David Sibeck, an apparently sane individual and an astrophysicist at the Goddard Space Flight Center in Maryland reports that the evidence for this is “incontrovertible.” Sibeck and other detached and seemingly unalarmed scientists such as Jimmy Raeder at the University of New Hampshire are happily studying these terrible events. When the magnetosphere (whose very purpose is to protect
us) is pierced by these rolling pins then millions of high-speed particles from the SUN stream down upon the earth. And, these events, called Flux Transfer Events or FTEs, happen approximately every eight minutes.

We at Doombrothers regretfully accept that scientists need to be detached and non-emotional in their approach to things. But the undercurrent of gleefulness detected in this information begs the question: What are they thinking of??

Let us break it down for you. Where are these events occurring? At the North Pole. When are these events occurring? In December, the very coldest time of the year. What is occurring exactly? High-speed particles from the SUN are piercing our defensive shields.

Given this data, is it any wonder that the polar ice cap is melting AND that the polar bears are losing their habitat? We think not. We also wonder if anyone has considered the effects of these killer rays upon Santa and the elves and the reindeer?

We at Doombrothers are committed to stemming the invasion of foreign particles upon our formerly pristine environment. We will soon be offering readers the opportunity to contribute to the SAVE OUR MAGNETOSPHERE FOUNDATION, but more on this later.

THE ANTHROPIC PRINCIPLE - A Call to Action!

Regnare est bonum

We at DOOMbrothers have been asked if we do not think that we are arrogant in our approach to viewing the entirety of the cosmos in terms of how it might affect us. Like many questions, this rises not from lack of intelligence, but from ignorance of fundamental principles of life.

In a symposium in Krakow in 1973, honoring Copernicus’ 500th birthday, Dr. Brandon Carter coined the term Anthropic Principle. It basically states that in order to understand the origins and makeup of the universe and the laws of physics one must account for man. That is, since we are here, only a universe that has laws of physics that can support us can adequately account for the universe in which we live. For example, a universe made of antimatter would support something, but certainly not human life; and therefore the universe cannot be made of antimatter. Pretty snazzy logic this and we here at DOOMbrothers like it. It places man in the catbird seat, just where he belongs. This is the same soaring logic that compelled Dr. William Cosby in a symposium in Las Vegas honoring sybarites in 1965, to find his innovative answer the puzzle “Why is there air?”

Having now shown that man is actually the why that the universe has come to be, and that the whole show is here for us, it becomes very clear that our duty as leading citizens of this cosmos is to insure that we remain a viable species. For, dear friends, if we vanish, then the very fundamental basis of this universe vanishes. We owe a debt of responsibility to stars, nebulae, expanding gas clouds and little fluffy kitties to be hyper alert; and we at DOOMbrothers will not shirk that duty!

And so, no, we do not think it is arrogant to view the entirety of the cosmos as revolving around DOOMbrothers. After all, as we have so deftly shown above, it really IS all about us. QED