Flux Transfer Events Threaten Life as We Know It

Scientists have recently revealed that giant rolling pins are moving over the Earth’s magnetosphere. Not only that, but these doomful devices are actually rolling over the NORTH POLE in December and, apparently, every December!

David Sibeck, an apparently sane individual and an astrophysicist at the Goddard Space Flight Center in Maryland reports that the evidence for this is “incontrovertible.” Sibeck and other detached and seemingly unalarmed scientists such as Jimmy Raeder at the University of New Hampshire are happily studying these terrible events. When the magnetosphere (whose very purpose is to protect
us) is pierced by these rolling pins then millions of high-speed particles from the SUN stream down upon the earth. And, these events, called Flux Transfer Events or FTEs, happen approximately every eight minutes.

We at Doombrothers regretfully accept that scientists need to be detached and non-emotional in their approach to things. But the undercurrent of gleefulness detected in this information begs the question: What are they thinking of??

Let us break it down for you. Where are these events occurring? At the North Pole. When are these events occurring? In December, the very coldest time of the year. What is occurring exactly? High-speed particles from the SUN are piercing our defensive shields.

Given this data, is it any wonder that the polar ice cap is melting AND that the polar bears are losing their habitat? We think not. We also wonder if anyone has considered the effects of these killer rays upon Santa and the elves and the reindeer?

We at Doombrothers are committed to stemming the invasion of foreign particles upon our formerly pristine environment. We will soon be offering readers the opportunity to contribute to the SAVE OUR MAGNETOSPHERE FOUNDATION, but more on this later.